Five boys alone in a van

Well, what should I have expected?

It was New Year's Eve, 2007, and I had a van-full of boys. Three of my own and two of their friends visiting from Canada. Now, these boys are great friends of theirs and any friend of my boys is...(you get the picture) So, one of these poor, deprived boys has never experienced Skyline. To Gable, that is a crime. The world revolves around Skyline time to him. So I decided to run into Kroger on the way home to get a can or two of Skyline and make some chili cheese french fries and 3-ways for the boys. After all, it's as American as apple pie in our house.

When we got to Krogers, the parking lot was packed because everyone was getting their last minute party supplies and drinks. So I locked the boys in the car and gave them my cell phone just in case someone tried to break in and they needed to call 911. Pretty good thinking on my part, I thought. There were two 12-year olds in the car, a 10 year-old, a 9-year old, and a six year-old. Not the smartest thing to leave them in the car, but not the worst thing in the world.

As I'm checking out, I hear Jonah yelling at the top of his lungs, "MOM!" So, of course, I just yell back like I'm in my own backyard, "I'm over HERE!" He runs over and tells me that our alarm is going off because one of the kids 'accidentally' knocked the lock and he needs my remote to turn the alarm off. No problem. Slightly embarassing and irritating, but no biggie. I can handle it.

I finished checking out and run out to the van to see people coming away from it looking at me like I am the spawn of satan, the worst mom ever, the evil one...whatever. The crowd around the van is dissipating, but as I am getting closer, I still hear this screeching, this curiously familiar yelling. I fly up to the van, sure to see blood, when instead through the glass I see my nine-year-old son holding his legs up in the air and screaming, "Somebody help me, I'm havin' a baby! I'M HAVIN' A BABY, I TELL YA'!"

Okay, deep breath, get into the van, try to look like I'm giving the kids 'the business', when actually I'm dying laughing.

As the drive continues, I find out that the story had many dimensions. The boys said that when the alarm went off (it's a Honda horn for goodness sake and it's loud), people all crowded around the car once they realized there were kids inside. Then one of our friends came up and yelled through the glass, "Are you okay? Give me your mom's cell phone number and I'll call into Kroger to get her." Between the car's alarm, Gable yelled out my number to him and he tried to call me on my cell phone. But me, being the responsible mother that I am, had left the cell phone in the car for the boys to use in case of an emergency.

But although that is funny, nothing compares to the sound of my son's screams of labor pains from across the parking lot. No, nothing.